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The Way I See It #423

I am STILL waiting on the results of my Harverd's School of School Online Aptitude Test! In the meantime, I've been practicing my writing at work. I am going to submit this to Starbucks to use as a “The Way I See It” quote on one of their cups. I hope they choose it!

The body is a glorious gift from the creator - full of mysterious mysteries and wondrous wonders. One can contemplate for hours the machinations of the body's tubes and gurgles and come no closer to the truth. Sometimes, I get a cup of coffee, and it gives me diarrhea – but surely it had no cheese in it? And sometimes, I see a piece white dog doody – what was the dog eating to make its poo albino? White chocolate? Rice? Why can't humans produce such snowy excretions?

How can the body make farts from food? How can gas come from a peanut? There is no air inside a peanut! Is it the secret of alchemy?

How can my friend Lomez, who eats no solids but merely beer and whiskey, form the solid poos he claims to form? How can corn pass through unscathed, but giant Oxycodone pills dissolve?

Science will never know the answers to these and other enigmas of the body - to muse upon them is to ponder the very nature of existence and, in so doing, to gaze upon the face of God.

Snowbound!

I'm still waiting for the Harverd's Online School of School Online aptitude test results. In the meantime, Lomez and I have been snowbound since Friday!

Here's some pics of our hovel and the snowy snowiness surrounding it:


This is our garage. Look at the snow!


This is the front of our house. Look at the snow! You can also see Lomez and our dog, Rowsdower, peeking out the door at me.


This is another shot of the snow. Look at the snow!

Booze supplies have dwindled down to a half full bottle of Kahlua. If I don't post again, we've probably resorted to cannibalism. My bets are on Rowsdower being the sole survivor.

I almost forgot!

In case any of my faithful fellow bloggers were interested in taking classes from Harverd's, here's their web site:

http://harverdschool.angelfire.com/

Tell Barney that Debbie Piddles referred you, and I'll get 10% off my next set of musking gloves!

Aptitude Test

Reggie and I met the other night to talk about my career move. He told me I should go to the community college to take a few classes, then transfer to a four year college and get a degree. Reggie, I like you a lot but sometimes you are so stupid!

I found an awesome online school on the internet: Harverd's Online School of School Online. They have a bunch of degree programs and you can earn your diploma in as little as 12 weeks! Plus, it only costs $100! I wrote Harverd an email and they mailed me this aptitude test. Reggie helped me scan it so you could see it. (He said some of the stuff was spelled wrong on the test and that is not a good sign from a school but I told him to mind his bizness.) I mailed it back today. I hope I scored it right!





I'm so excited!

Time for a career change

Well my friends, business is not very good at the Video Poker and Chicken Fried Steak House where I've been working for the last 23 or so years. The economy is terrible and, I'm sorry, but I don't think Obbama's socialism is going to help us. Last night only three people showed up for our weekly Krazy Keno Kaper - Pete, Tracheotomy Trixy, and Glad Hands Steve. It was the most business we've done all month.

I made less than five dollars in tips for the whole night. You trying not only paying your own bills but taking care of seven cats on that kind of money. You couldn't! And some of my cats are special needs. Mrs. Felchington, my pure bread SiaPerz that I paid $600 for at Scamp's has something stuck to her butt fur that won't come off and I can't afford to take her to the groomer. Little Paul Awesome Pawsome the III hasn't peed in the litter box since 1998, and China Doll Pink Nipples pees ALL THE TIME.

So, I am thinking it's time for me to go back to school. I graduated from Weed High School in 1983, and a few years after that I started working on an Animal Care Technition program that Gloria from that Archie Bunker show sold on the TV. Studying animal medicine was a little too hard though and I got bored, so I dropped out of it and decided to try the "draw me" art school that I found on a matchbook cover. I did an AWESOME job drawing the pirate, and I totally got accepted into the Draw Me school but then I found out it cost $500 so I said f-that and got the job at the Video Poker and Chicken Fried Steak House. And the rest, they say, makes history.

But now it is time for a change! I'm meeting up with Reggie tonight and we're going to talk long and hard over some McGriddles about my talents and my dreams and whether or not TV VCR repair is still a viable market. By this time tomorrow I hope to be well on my way to my new dream job...

Book Club!!!

My friend Reggie and I started a book club about 6 months ago. There are only two members so far (me and Reggie) but it's a lot of fun. Every Sunday we go to McDonald's, order up a half dozen McGriddles each, and discuss what we've read.

We just finished our first book, Faith of the Fallen, by Terry Goodkind. I wanted to read it because they are starting a series based on it on the WB and the guy in it is really hot. There's like 18 books in the series but I didn't want to start at the beginning because that is like way too many books and also they only had Faith of the Fallen at Fred Meyer when Reggie and I went to go get books for the book club.

So anyway, we read Faith of the Fallen and it's about this guy named Richard and he is really hot and cut and he has a wife named Kahlan who is also hot but not as cut. Richard is not just hot though he's super smart and a really really nice guy when he is not stabbing people. Richard and Kahlan are fighting this evil empire called the Order that is bad because it wants people to share and they have crazy taxes just like Bill Clinton. Richard and Kahlan believe that people should be free and if you are a poor bastard it is your own damn fault and that is freedom. Reggie said Terry Goodkind is an Objectivist but I have no idea what that is so I told him to shut up and talk about the book.

Richard gets kidnapped by this lady that is just as hot as Kahlan but doesn't love freedom so Richard is bummed and Kahlan is bummed. Richard has to go to the area where the Order is boss and it is terrible. There are so many taxes that he can't get ahead through his hard work and the Order makes him get a license for his wagon. It's really sad.

I do not want to give away too much of the plot but I highly recommend this story because it's got hot characters, cool fighting, and some rape scenes like on Lifetime. I also like how it's pretty easy to follow the plot because Terry Goodkind repeats stuff a lot (like how hot Richard and Kahlan are and how important freedom is).

Reggie, on the other hand, did not like this book. He said when he was done it felt like "pulling your dick out of a glory hole and seeing all this red stuff on it and then, against your better judgment, peeking through the hole and seeing a clown grinning back at you." I have no idea what a glory hole is but that's crazy Reggie for you!

Election 2008!!!

Well my friends, another election has come and gone. I am pretty happy about how things turned out. I mean, I voted for Palin, but I am also excited that our country has our first Muslim president! The ballot measures in Oregon were pretty hard to understand, so I voted yes on all of them and my friend Reggie voted no on all of them just to make sure everything was even. That was pretty cool of Reggie to do for me I think, but I had to buy him three McGriddles so he did not just do it out of kindness. I didn't have any stamps so I couldn't mail my ballot in, and I didn't feel like driving all the way to the library to drop it off, but voting was still fun! Maybe next time I will remember to buy stamps.

McCain Hugs!

Here's a picture of McCain hugging my fursona, Smezmerelda.




Make your own at:

http://www.mccainhugs.com/